Annette's Crossdressing Blog

Friday, September 05, 2008

Called Pretty -- How Pleasant

Today had its ups and downs for the TG person. My wife was most unpleasant in general conversation in the morning and made pointed criticism of me when I got into femme night cloths near bedtime. She said, “You just can’t stay out of those clothes can you.” I did not respond, but she knows full well that I can’t get by wearing only male clothes. We have discussed the who-I-am many times before.

The high point of the day came in the afternoon. It was a most pleasant and uplifting experience. As my wife and I entered the home of friends, our hosts were warm and pleasant as always. My wife was called pretty by the lady of the house. This couple has no idea that I am transgendered. She immediately turned to me as said, “Welcome pretty person.” I gave her a much bigger hug than ever before. A male guest already there said, “I’ll bet you have never been addressed in that way.” I responded that I loved it and would love to have more comments like that.

The question that later came to my mind was whether our friend senses the femme side of me in some subconscious way. I had previously complimented to her in earnest that I think she is a lovely person. I believe that to be true not just from a physical standpoint, but also from the pleasantness of her character and demeanor. She is an older woman who has taken good care of herself and remains trim. I wonder how she would react if she were to discover that I am a transgendered male to female. In any event, her comment today lifted my spirits to heights I did not think possible in the face of negativity that came my way from elsewhere.

Love, Annette

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Nice Words to Hear

As my wife and I prepared to travel from Hendersonville, NC to North Myrtle Beach, SC, my wife gave me grace--an expanding freedom to be myself in her presence.

After we got home from church, lunch, and clothes shopping (I looked and looked, but found nothing that I thought might flatter me), we changed out of Sunday best into casual clothes. As we were changing, I off-handedly commented, “I guess I must put on male clothes.” My wife retorted, “It is up to you, but, if you dress, I want you to stay in a different room from where I am.” That hurt a bit, but I still saw her comment as an acquiescence. Even though she gave the OK for me to dress, I still put on male shorts and a T-shirt.

In order for us to get ready for our trip the next morning, we had to pack, vacuum, clean the bathrooms, mop the kitchen and bathroom floors, and take care of other similar chores. The idea we developed over our years together is that we leave the house clean and tidy and will enjoy our return all that much more. On this occasion, we both wanted a little time to collect ourselves before starting the household tasks. I caught up on a few e-mails, but made no attempt to dress en femme.

After an hour or so, my wife started on the chores. I soon followed by cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming the carpets, and cleaning the bathrooms. She mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors and started packing. As soon as I finished the vacuuming, I donned femme clothes--maroon Capri’s, a white ribbed, short-sleeve top, white high heel shoes, affixed my pretty blond hair, and femme jewelry.

As soon as my wife saw me, she said, “So you got dressed.“ I declared, “Well, you said it was OK.“ Then she wanted to know why I cannot control myself. I did not give her an answer right away, so she prompted me with, “No response, huh?” I then told her that I dress en femme because it is part of who I am. Her snappy response was, “That isn’t true,” but she quickly came back with, “Well, you still should control yourself.” In reality, we have had several conversations about me having duality of gender. She knows and agrees that I have a femme side that needs attention.

A little later, she looked over at me from an adjoining room and pleasantly inquired, “Are you happy?” I meekly answered in my femme voice, “Yes.” She smiled and responded in words that were nice to hear, “It doesn't take much to make you happy. Does it?” I agreed. Throughout the remainder of the evening, I stayed dressed. We had several pleasant exchanges on our trip and other topics. The “stay in another room” dictum was overlooked.

Perhaps this conversation does not seem like much, but I regard it as a significant stride for my wife to have looked deeply enough into my being to see my need to get dressed en femme at home for an extended period of time. Usually, she finds something to do while I get dressed en femme to go to a support group meeting or to go on an outing like shopping.

Love,

Annette

Dressing for Walks in the Forest

A friend recently asked about my attire when I am dressed for a walk with my wife. Here was my response.

When dressed in public, regardless of the venue, I do my best to be as feminine as possible. I have a few friends who go out in public wearing a combination of male and female attire. One even wears female jewelry while dressed as a male.. Not me. I am either presenting as female or I am presenting as male.. Nothing in between.

While walking as Annette with my wife I wear femme walking shorts (capris if the weather is cool) and a matching top. I wear ladies walking shoes that are highlighted with pink designs. My socks are the low-cut type that are barely visible above the tops of my shoes. I wear breast forms, femme hair (some call it a wig), ear rings, a necklace, a watch, two bracelets, and a necklace. I also wear nail polish and makeup and do my best to act like a lady. I use only feminine gestures, speak using my female voice, walk like a female, and in all other ways act as feminine as possible. It is an experience that I truly enjoy. Walking through the forest as Annette talking with my wife and enjoying the scenery and the creatures we hear as we walk along is a blessing to both of us. We briskly cover four to six miles a day, so we are out from one to one-and-a-half hours. Contrasting those outings with walks I have made dressed but alone islike night and day. My alone walks are OK, but the conversation I have with my wife when she is along makes for a far better and more exhilarating experience. We humans are clearly social creatures.

Let me note that even though only a few people are on the trails my wife and I walk, we could be seen or heard as we round a bend or pass someone resting along the way. Acting or speaking as a male when I thought no one was around but my wife would take away from my being Annette. I am not sure I could do it anyway. I think such action would constitute a double standard. This viewpoint may seem at first blush to be a bit incongruous since I have duality of gender. Something significant though happens to me when I get dressed. A near total transformation takes place. It is as if a switch is flipped. I immediately change from male mannerisms and speech to female mannerisms and speech. I simply cannot be half and half. Amazingly to me, I do not even need to think about the transition; the change just occurs. Even with this transition, my wife still sees me as her husband. I am blessed in that regard. She is my bestfriend--and, yes, my lover, my life's partner, and my soul mate. I strive to treat her as such, too.

When I am out to dinner or to the theater with my wife while dressed as Annette, I wear femme clothing and jewelry appropriately to the occasion. On shopping trips, we consult with each other about everything--clothes, shoes, makeup, you name it. I don't know that we consider each other as girl friends, but we typically act in that way toward each other just the same. Honestly, she has a hard time using the correct pronouns when I am out dressed with her. That does not bother me. Once while we were in a shop together, she wanted me to see an item on display and called to me using my male name. A few people in the shop turned to look. I came to where she was and whispered in her ear, "Don't you mean Annette?" I think she was slightly embarrassed, but if others had second thoughts about my gender, we paid them no mind and went on about our business. Since everyone in the shop was a total stranger to us, it did not matter.

Regarding my masculinity when dressed in the company of my wife, I do not feel that I betray the male aspect of who I am in any way while in her company. For most of my life, I suppressed my femininity. I now believe it fitting that I should let more of my femininity display herself. Suppression of my female persona only created agony inside of me. I see no reason to perpetuate that undesirable condition. My wife understands and accepts the real me--her husband, a man who has a separate and distinct femininity. I do not think that at any time she has regarded my being out with her dressed as imposing a role of lesbianism on her. She is a heterosexual genetic female who is married to heterosexual transgendered male.

Love, Annette

Friday, July 11, 2008

Neighbors Who Know For Sure--Guessing Not Needed Any More

Yesterday I called the neighbor who saw me dressed a few days ago as I got out of my car and went into my house. I asked if I could speak with her and her husband (See Annette’s Blog item “Caught by a Neighbor“). She promptly invited me into their home. I wore dressy casual male attire.

After a few minutes of pleasantries, I commented on having been seen dressed as a female. I told the two of them, who are in their late 60s, much of my story as a transgendered male to female during the hour I visited with them. Both said they appreciated my coming to talk with them. The husband said he would pray for me and my wife. I thanked them for their understanding and asked that the subject not be broached with my wife. I also told them of my wife’s on-again, off-again relationship to me as her transgendered husband. They said they will keep the information I shared with them just between us. At this point, I have no reason to believe they will not honor that commitment.

How and when I tell my wife of the discussion I had with our neighbors is a question that I will ponder for some time, though not so long as to allow the neighborhood gossips to say anything to her about me. I am not sure how she will react to me confirming my transgendered status with our next door neighbors. Before I spoke with our neighbors, she said she believes these and other neighbors already know that I am a crossdresser. Of course she is an absolutely correct about that. There have been too many occurrences with me dressed for others in the neighborhood not to suspect that a transgendered person lives in their midst.

A major question for my wife is whether she can accept the fact the others know that she is married to a crossdresser. I hope I have not made a mistake in being open with our neighbors about who I am. Until this point, neighbors may have had suspicions, but now at least two neighbors know for sure just who I am. One friend advised beforehand that I should ignore the fact that I was seen en femme by neighbors. “Keep them guessing” was her thought. Maybe so. I will just have to see over time.

One of the points I raised with my neighbors is that they are likely to see me dressed en femme again. I said I am trying to be discreet about my being transgendered, but even though I will continue to take precautions to avoid being seen dressed in the neighborhood, inevitably I am likely to be seen again. They both said they would not be bothered should they see me dressed again. Actually, being seen dressed en femme is not an issue for me with regard to what neighbors may think. It is an issue for my wife. That is the principal reason I care what others may say. Since my expression of gender is not just about me, I care about my wife’s feelings and therefore try my best to accommodate her concerns.

This whole issue is for me a major distracter. It makes me grit my teeth over the frustration of being judged negatively for who I am. One friend told me that he grew tired of living only in the “expected” role. He said that what happened to him was anger balled up inside of him over the external restrictions he faced for being himself. Those feelings forced him to out himself to everyone--family, friends, neighbors, the works. I am not there, but I imagine the internal battle he felt is one that seems to be developing inside me.

I must admit that one of the motivations for telling my next door neighbors that I am transgendered was to educate them. I told them that I have spoken to several classes of college students on crossdressing and T matters--about 1,000 students in all. I also mentioned that I have read more than 20 books on gender issues and lived with being transgendered since the age of 5. I do not know where this effort places me on the knowledge base of gender issues, but I think I am at least past the front door.

The information I gave my neighbors seemed well received and much appreciated. I was nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof over the idea of an open discussion with people who know my true identity as a crossdresser. Until now only my wife and my best friend possessed that knowledge. Tri-Ess chapter members and others in support groups I have attended only know me as Annette. I found it to be a far different thing to speak to someone as my male self about being transgendered than to talk on the same topic to others as Annette--a big, big difference.

Has anyone faced this issue in the manner I’ve described here? If so, how did you handle the situation?

Love,

Annette

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Caught by a Neighbor

Being Caught by a Neighbor

Yesterday and today I took morning walks of about four miles while dressed and accompanied by my wife. We drove from our home to two nearby adjoining parks. The trails we walk are along a stream in a heavily forested area. It is enjoyable to be shaded and hear the birds sing as we walk along. That part of both days was very pleasant.

Another event of the past two days was my finishing travel plans for my wife and me to visit Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Tetons, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse Memorial, and other sights in the Utah, Wyoming and South Dakota area. The trip starts on August 26th in Rapid City, SD and ends on September 3rd in Salt Lake City, UT. We are flying on Northwest Airlines for all segments of the trip. Unpleasantly, we got the news that the airline is following suit with other airlines by charging $15 for the first piece of luggage for each passenger. I guess that means we pay $15 each way for the both of us. The airline was a hold-out on the charge until now.

The Midwest is an area we have had on our “Travel To” list for several years. Since the price of fuel will likely raise the cost of the trip in years to come, we decided now is the time to go.

The downside to my trip planning was my wife telling me that she does not want me to be Annette for any part of the trip. I had hoped to make the entire trip as Annette, but that option is now out of the window. I will probably take one outfit, just in case I get a chance to be on my own for a few hours. It is tough to be dressed in the “expected” role for so long. I don’t know how any transgender person can make it for weeks at a time without dressing. A friend told me last night that there came a time for him when he said that he could no longer live the “expected” role.

The other crummy side of things today was the “off again” mood my wife was in. As we made our way to the park where we walked this morning, she wanted to know whether I was trying to keep her in a state of depression. Of course, I said, no. Her question related to my being dressed for the walk and also having dressed for our walk yesterday. In addition, I went out dressed last night to meet with a group of GLBT friends in the Asheville, NC area. We meet weekly in a church for wide ranging conversation and then go to a friendly bar for more talk. I did not get home until nearly midnight. My wife was already in bed--an unusual circumstance for her since she is often up until 2 A.M.

Adding to the less than pleasant environment was the fact that when we finished our walk and returned home this morning, the woman who lives next door to us was outside sweeping her carport and sidewalk. Neither my wife nor I saw her at first. The neighbor got a good look at me as I got out of the car and went into the house. After my wife parked the car, she spoke to the neighbor as she came in, but she was not pleased that I had been seen dressed by our neighbor. At first she smiled about it, but when I smiled back, she said it was not something to smile about. She then said, “We are moving.” As the day wore on, her disposition only improved slightly. As for me, I was not bothered at all by our neighbor having seen me dressed. I’ve gotten past the shame of being me. My wife, on the other hand, is uncomfortable with others knowing that she is married to a transgendered mate.

I thought about calling our neighbors, the woman who saw me and her husband, and ask if I could come to visit with them for a few minutes. I would tell them that I am a transgendered male-to-female and explain that I would hope they would not feel ill toward us and to please not inquire of my dressing to my wife because she is uncomfortable with the whole proposition. I would not let my wife know of the visit, but would undertake the effort to ward off our being ostracized by these and other neighbors. (Obviously, gossip is bound to spread as a result of my being seen dressed. The “Do you know what I saw” type gossip could get back to my wife which would only make her even more uncomfortable and desirous of moving.)

I’ve asked a friend her view on whether I should talk with my neighbors or not. Others are welcomed to comment as I ponder whether the idea has merit in trying to keep the cat somewhat in the box.

Love,
Annette

Saturday, July 05, 2008

20/20 TV Program on Transgendered Children by Barbara Walters

I found the TV progam on transgendered children by Barbara Walters that aired on June 27, 2008 to be an honest, open portrayal of the difficulties parents of transgendered children face. (The text of the program may be read at: http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=5261426&page=1) A gathering of over 400 affected families at one location in the past year clearly showed that parents who have children born transgendered are not just a few isolated occurrences.

On a personal level, a most astonishing thing happened to me as a result of the telecast. I mentioned the show beforehand to my wife, but did not expect her to watch it with me. For the most part, she studiously avoids viewing such programs.

She was in an adjoining room when the program started and did not appear to me to be listening. At one point, I turned the volume down on the TV only to be prompted to turn it back up. She soon joined me to watch the show in the living room.

Parts of the program were difficult for me to deal with emotionally. I found it extremely sad to hear about the bullying that goes on in the lives of many transgendered children. A few of the scenes even bought tears to my eyes. My wife saw my emotion and asked specific questions about my crossdressing when I was an adolescent.

Prior to the show, my wife had told me more than once that she thought my dressing is learned behavior and had nothing to do with the way God made me. I, of course, had told her why I believed otherwise. After listening to the words of children as young as three years of age tell their parents that they are not the gender their parents thought them to be, brought new understanding to my wife. I think it became more clear to her that these children did not learn the behavior they are exhibiting. The children were representing themselves as they really are. The fact that some of the parents in the program had tried mightily to teach their child, on doctor’s advise, how to live within the gender they thought their child possessed at birth, was revealing. As the show depicted, all of those efforts failed.

I believe the certainty the children showed about themselves, in spite of parental guidance to the contrary, is much like my own effort to do away with my crossdressing through purges, prayer, shear willpower, or any other means. All of my efforts failed. Had I known the reality of who I am as a child and not pushed that part of me into a closet, I would never have attempted to expunge the femme part of me.

Although I had explained my inability to stop crossdressing to my wife, she came to have a better understanding of the reasons for my supposed shortcoming through the 20/20 program. Accepting myself for who I am was difficult. It took far too many years for me to even begin to address the realities of who I am. I now know for certain that I have a duality of gender. I did not choose this “birth defect,” as the show declared some transgendered children to be. The femme part of who I am was there at the start. It will always be there--whether society or my loved ones and friends accept that part of me or not.

Perhaps one day I will have the courage to tell others about the real me. My life is greatly enhanced by my wife knowing the real me and by my friends in the transgender community accepting Annette. In the meantime, I am ecstatic that new understanding came to the person I most care about in life--my wife. After we went to bed following the show, she held my hand until sleep overtook her. I felt it was a gesture of a newly found understanding of her husband--a crossdresser.

Love,

Annette

Monday, November 05, 2007

Talking With College Students: What a Delight!

From an academic standpoint, college students are an absolute pleasure to be around. Their inquisitive minds stir the thoughts of those of us who have passed that remarkable period in our lives. I had the distinct pleasure of speaking to five classes of students about crossdressing in October 2007 and six classes the previous year. Dr. David Knox and his wife, Dd Schacht, of the Sociology Department at East Carolina University in Greenville, NC, invited me to address their students two years in a row. Three of the classes were Introduction to Sociology courses taught by Lecturer Schacht. One class was on Courtship and Marriage and the other on Human Sexuality, both taught by Professor Knox. The total number of students for the two years was over 500.

Seeing Friends Again. The four-hour drive from Myrtle Beach to the university on a Sunday afternoon was pleasant enough. Much of the trip was over rural highways that afforded an opportunity to appreciate the North Carolina countryside. My arrival at the Schacht-Knox home was a most pleasant experience. I was shown to an upstairs bedroom with an adjoining bathroom where I would find rest for the next two nights. Dinner was on the table almost as soon as I arrived. What a delight it was. Dd prepared such outstanding meals. She and David are health conscious and eat foods that are healthful. Well, mostly. Dessert was ice cream!

The free flowing, unconstrained conversation around the table gave us a chance to catch up on each other since last year. Many of the questions about me were related to my crossdressing. The first thing David wanted to know was if I was still married. I am pleased to say that I am, fortunately to the same woman.

I asked about family and found that their daughter is back in college full time this fall. That turned out to be one of the happiest events of the year for the entire family. Our discussion of national and international events, books recently read, movies recently seen and other general topics of interest was both educational and delightful.

Talking With The Students. On Monday morning, I spoke to three classes of Sociology students back to back for about 50 minutes each. The first class began at 9 A.M. with about 30 students. I spoke for between 25 and 30 minutes and then took questions for the remainder of the class time. I told them about my first memory of dressing in female clothes at age 5 and progressed through my teen years to marriage at the tender age of 18. Much of my talk was about my relationship with my wife, her acceptance and sometimes total lack of acceptance of me as a crossdresser. I told them that only my wife and best friend know my true identity as a transgendered person. I noted that when I spoke of suicide a few years ago, my best friend was insistent that I see a therapist. After carefully seeking professional help, I finally found a therapist that has experience in counseling patients with gender issues. His office is about 100 miles away from my home. That therapist told me in the one-hour session I had with him that I was transgendered and that I was more female than male. Wow!

I reported to the students that I retired from the Central Intelligence Agency where I had several interesting jobs. I noted that I am the President of the Citizens Association in the community where I live; the President of Sigma Mu Beta, the local Tri-Ess chapter; and a board member of a charitable organization focused on helping women get out of the sex industry in the Myrtle Beach area. I also noted that I am an active member of the church to which my wife and I belong. Telling of these events was intended to let the students know that crossdressers are interwoven into every part of American society.

As a crossdresser, I told them about being out in public dressed while shopping, eating at restaurants, going to movie theaters, and remaining dressed 24/7 for four or more days while on vacations with my wife. I highlighted some of the events that happened while I was out and about. One such event concerned being stopped by a policeman while on an early morning walk in my neighborhood. The officer who pulled up next to me at 5 A.M., rolled down the window of his police car and said, “Ma’am.” I was scared out of my wits when I saw a policeman, and I started walking briskly away from the patrol car. The policeman turned the car around in what seemed only a split second to block my way. I was afraid to speak to the officer in my female voice so I responded to his questions in full male voice. As he faced me, he was confused seeing a person dressed as a woman but speaking like a man. He alternated between calling me “Ma’am” and “Sir.” Since I am well know in my community, I declined to answer his questions about who I was and where I lived. I kept telling him that I had done nothing wrong. Mercifully, he got a call on his car radio that prompted him to ask me if he let me go would I go home. I said, “Absolutely. You bet.” Later, I learned that the policeman stopped me because he thought I was a prostitute who was streetwalking/cruising to find a client.

Another event I related to the students was about an older man using my head for support while attempting to get out of his seat in a darkened movie theater. It was truly remarkable that my hair stayed in place. (See the article, Theater Event, posted on October 5, 2007 for more details on this scary occurrence.)

Yet another happening that seemed to enthrall the students was about a patrolman who stopped me while I was dressed on my way to a restaurant after a Tri-Ess chapter meeting. I was cited for driving with an expired license tag. The officer who wrote the citation radioed a fellow officer to come to see what he had found. At least that is what I thought happened when a second officer arrived and came to the window of my vehicle to talk with me. Clearly, more than curiosity was at play here. After all, the arresting officer had the driver’s license of a male and there before his very eyes was a female sitting behind the steering wheel, or rather, quite clearly by now, a male dressed in women’s clothes sitting behind the steering wheel. It was time to gawk. When I was permitted to leave the scene, I thought it only appropriate to deal with the entire issue dressed. So I went to the office of the clerk of court dressed as a woman when I had the renewed license tags in hand a few days later. The female clerk referred to me as “Honey” several times during our conversation. Thankfully, the citation was dismissed because the tags were less than 30 days out of date.

Each of the four succeeding classes heard much the same talk. To help me stay on track, I glanced at my notes. The question and answer periods varied from class to class.

Students’ Questions. I thought the questions posed by the students were insightful. Samples of questions follow: “Do you ever forget the role you are in and use the mannerisms and body language of the opposite sex when you in male or female mode?” “You have nicely arched eyebrows. Are you questioned about your feminine eye brows when you present as a male?” “What do you do when you are asked for identification while dressed in female clothing?” “Who knows about your transgenderism?” “What are the benefits to your spouse being married to a transgendered person?” “I’d like to hear how you sound as a man. Would you say a few words in your male voice?” “Which bathroom do you use when you are dressed as a woman?”

Emails from Students. A few days after I spoke to students in the fall of 2006, Dr. Knox forwarded an email to me from one of his female students. Here are her comments: “I was just wondering if our speaker last Tuesday night has an email address. I know that's kind of a risky question, but I just really wanted to let her know that I appreciate her speaking and I was so glad to learn about new things and that people are different and live differently and that’s okay. For some reason I was just really inspired and I feel compelled to let her know to thank her.” This response was indeed gratifying. In our ensuing exchange of emails, I came to believe that this student would likely remember my talk for years to come. Hopefully, her positiveness will in some way benefit other crossdressers with whom she comes into contact later in life.

Here is another email from a student in one of Dd Schacht’s classes: “Hi! I hope this email finds you doing well and back at home safely. I was in Caroline Schacht's class (I am aware you spoke to 6) and just wanted to tell you thanks again for coming to speak with us. Truth be told, I went into that discussion (once I realized who you were) scared to death. All my life I have been PETRIFIED of both trannys and CD's... I now see there is nothing to be scared of...and I reckon' there's nothing wrong with broadening my horizons. Also, I asked you several questions in class and then approached you afterwards and asked you about your ‘birth-given’ name...and I just wanted to apologize if that offended you...I didn't know. Anyways...Thanks again. I learned a lot from you and your presentation.... Ashley.” Apparently, my talk changed this student’s mind about crossdressers. It all adds up to the fact that our effort to educate is worth the commitment it takes, not just for those who hear from us, but for ourselves as well.

Blending In or Not. In the last class of the day, Dr. Knox had me enter the classroom from the rear door, which put me behind the students. He asked the students to take one look at me and then asked them to write on a sheet of paper whether the person they saw is male or female. Of the about 40 students in the classroom, nine identified me as a female. Two others told me afterward that had they seem me elsewhere they would have thought me to be female. Other students may have felt the same way. Well, I’ll accept that about 25 percent of the people who are asked about my sex/gender when I am dressed believe me to be a woman. Truthfully, I’d be happier if that percentage were larger.

Further Conversation With Friends. Dr. Knox and Dd Schacht both told me independently when I asked for their opinion that I pass well in femme clothing. They said that my makeup is applied appropriately to give a feminine appearance, and that my femme voice is fine. Unfortunately for me, my face is a bit of a give away. My chin is a little too prominent. Transsexuals would have that problem fixed through facial feminization. Dr. Knox noted that such a move by me would likely cause my wife to flip out. I agree. Since my CDing is not just about me, I will leave the main parts of my body intact and change only surface features through padding, makeup, hair adornment and hair removal. For sure those things do not make me a woman, but they do give me satisfaction in presenting as one, even if only 25 percent of the people who see me actually think I am female. While out and about, I think the percentage of people who see me as female is closer to 95 percent. It amazes me that sometimes while I am in male mode, I am still called “Ma’am.” There must be something that says to waitresses and clerks, “Female Inside.”

One of the more gratifying moments for me occurred not long before I left the home of my hosts the morning after speaking to their students. Dd told me that she was running around in the living room and kitchen area with her bra showing. She said that she thought to herself, “What if Annette comes walking in here with me dressed like this?” Then she said she thought, “Oh. That would not be a problem because Annette is a woman.” Wow!! To put her comment into perspective, I came to their home dressed as Annette and remained dressed the entire time I was with them. David and Dd have only known me as Annette. For that reason, I believe it is quite natural for Dd to think of me as a woman. It was not so for David, however. He often referred to me using male pronouns during my visit. That works too. As a crossdresser, I am both male and female.

Results. All of this began through an invitation to speak to college students about crossdressing. While I believe such an endeavor is a worthy goal, much more has come about as a result of accepting that invitation as can be seen through the content of this article. I am a blessed person.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Theater Event

It is time for a little catch up. Since I last wrote, many things have happened to me. One of the scariest, but yet a funny occurrence took place while I was on an outing to a movie theater in Hendersonville, NC a few weeks ago. I went by myself to see The Making of Jane, the story of Jane Austin’s life as a famous writer. If you like romantic, reality movies, this is one to see. Because the world in which Austin lived was extremely sexist, Austin was looked down upon as a writer by most of her contemporaries. In spite of the prejudices of her time, Austin was still able in her short lifetime to write four of the most profound, lasting novels ever written.

As the show was ending, I kept my seat to view the credits in the still darkened theater. Without warning, I felt a hand directly on the top of my head. What flashed through my mind was the thought that I was about to have my hair yanked off of my head. Now folks you know what that would mean for a transgendered male-to-female crossdresser. I would have been embarrassed beyond comprehension, and the possibility of being outed by someone who knows me was truly scary.

I quickly grabbed the wrist of the person who had a hand on the top of my head. When I recognized that this was the hand of a man. I said, “Sir, what are you doing?” There was no response. I gripped the man’s wrist as tightly as I could and repeated my question a bit louder. Others in the theater were now turning to see what was going on. This time the man said in exasperation, “It is dark in here and I couldn’t see.” The sound of his weakened voice told me that the hand belonged to an older man.

Miraculously when he took his hand off of my head, my hair stayed in place. As I released my grip on his wrist, I realized the man had used my head for support to help him get out of his seat. I thought, “Gee, perhaps this person should wait until the theater lights came up before getting out of his seat.”

In retrospect, the incident was a bit comical. Here was someone groping for anything he could find to help him get out of a theater seat. Unwittingly he pulled himself to his feet by grabbing the head of a nearby transgendered moviegoer. The man was apparently disoriented and lost in the darkness of the theater. By contrast, the one who aided him to his feet was quite comfortable in that very same darkness. Darkness and closets had served for many years as a means to keep the identity secret of the person under the hair.

I believe my presence in a public places dressed as a female continues to show that I accept myself for the person I am. Caring about being outed also shows fear of what others would think should my identity as a transgendered person become known. Perhaps the latter possibility should not bother me, but it does.
This was one of those moments that made me ask myself, “What on earth am I doing dressed as a female in a public place like a movie theater?” As I contemplated the event, I came to see myself as one trying to work through personal identity issues by meeting life head on. Thankfully, the man in the theater will never know the depth of support needed by the person whose head his hand grasped for support.